Surrogate Etiquette
Is it a volunteer position? Is it a friendship? Sometimes it’s hard to tell where to draw the line. Truth be told it’s both. Professionalism is important, but so is warmth and connection.
What to share with your Intended Parents?
How do you decide what to share and what not to share? Well, this will vary from situation to situation. Some Intended Parents want a close relationship and want to talk every day. This is great for some surrogate mothers and may be exactly what she’s looking for. Some Intended Parents want more of an arms reach relationship where communication is as-needed only. It’s important for you as a surrogate to find out before matching, which relationship style your potential Intended Parents are and what you’re comfortable with.
To over-share or not to over-share?
Either way, you’re carrying another person’s embryo/baby and there will always be a need for boundaries. Over-sharing can be disastrous to a surrogate/IP relationship. Try to put yourself in the IPs’ shoes and, after the considerable investment they’ve made, imagine what you would want to be hearing and what is just:
a.) None of their business and
b.) Inappropriate sharing.
This could include your personal sex life, your personal relationships with others where issues have arisen (your Intended Parents aren’t your psychologist or hairdresser), your break-up, etc. You get the point.
One of my mistakes…
Another thing to consider once things get rolling is to establish ahead of time what and when they want to hear regarding milestones. I learned this the hard way early on when I let a little home pregnancy test out of the bag five days before the blood test that indicates whether or not I may be pregnant. (In surrogacy, we call it our first beta test.)
As exciting as it is for me as a surrogate, this is essentially their pregnancy. If it’s their first time, they probably have a fairly set plan in which they believe things will play out. As we know, rarely do things go according to plan for pregnancy, birth or parenthood, but as a rite of passage to becoming a parent, let them lead the way a bit.
In conclusion, always use your common sense when talking with your Intended Parents. Be tactful and considerate but also be you!!!